... crippling fear that people will find out how rubbish I am/that I'm somehow not good enough and have to continually hide this fact from others. It was exhausting and I felt close to breaking point. Now work doesn't feel like a comment on my identity/worth as a human being.....
That may sound such a small thing but for me it was huge. Before the session I felt like my past was catching up with me, that all the good work I'd done already was being eroded and all the awful beliefs and negative stuff from the past was creeping back in. I'd had a few flashbacks and was wondering whether I was developing a form of PTSD.
Now I have a strong sense of peace - that is not the passive word it sounds. For me peace is like a strong foundation that I can build on. I have a sense of worth as a person that is independent of things like work. Considering as a child I had to excel to have any chance at getting approval (and more often got criticised for coming second in my class) so all my worth was tied up with work - that is a big change for the better.
The first couple of weeks after the day retreat I was working insane hours at work getting everything up to scratch before going on leave. It didn't leave any time for personal development in the evenings. But I noticed for 2 days after the session my reflexes and brain were much quicker which helped with productivity but it then slowed again, probably down to physical exhaustion as long hours kicked in.
I have done some snippets of energy work before bed, mainly seeing my child self and keeping communication going, even something as simple as sending "cuddle energy." It seems to be working. The other night I could visualise my child self actually running up to me for a cuddle.
About the sleepiness. There have been some times when I start to feel sleepy during energy work but it's easier to get through that now and keep going whereas it used to stop me making any progress before.
I also had a random interesting experience that indicates there is still something going on as a result of the session. Tuesday night I was sitting quietly and I suddenly felt this incoming energy entering (where fingertips in the Heart Healing Position would point). For about 20 minutes I could feel this Love energy. I had no idea who was sending it or even if it was something from a guide or angel but I decided not to spoil it by analysing where it might be coming from. I just enjoyed receiving it.
It is the only time I can recall ever feeling love as a recipient. In the past I have always been heavily shielded. Intellectually I knew there were people who loved me but I had never felt it as an incoming energy. It reminded me of a one day workshop I went on back in March - we had to imagine sending Love to people which I could do with ease. But when we had to send it to ourselves or imagine someone sending it to us I couldn't feel a thing. So, random as this incident was on Tuesday I just enjoyed it for what it is. A gift.
It has always been a painful topic because my own mother couldn't and didn't love me and in the past the fact that anyone else did painfully underscored the fact that she didn't. I think the work we did at the start of the session where I felt a physical pain around the idea of anyone "caring" about me, and healing that, made it possible for me to have this random experience. I was able to enjoy it without thinking about what my mother couldn't give.
Life is a work in progress so I can't shout "I'm fixed" because there's no such thing, we all keep evolving. But I can say I feel much more comfortable about myself. I've also had more energy to attend to small tasks promptly rather than putting them off. So I think I have the beginnings of finding better ways to do things which over time will free up energy from procrastinating and there will be less tasks left undone so life should run more smoothly.
Margaret P, Bournemouth